SPEAKER_02 0:03

Universally Personal.

SPEAKER_00 0:08

Why is this frustrating to me, and just what is it that makes me feel triggered? Welcome back to Universally Personal. I'm your host, Greg Allen. If you've ever asked yourself those questions mid-argument, you're definitely not alone. And if you've been listening to our recent episodes, you can probably guess who is back with us today to help unpack it all. We are thrilled to welcome back the incredible Denise Biggerstaff. Today, Denise is sharing some profound insights on accountability, specifically what part of a relationship dynamic we are actually responsible for, and what we need to completely let go of. We're also diving into the hidden needs driving our daily frustrations and most importantly, how to move through them. Let's get started.

SPEAKER_01 1:07

So here's the thing: it's always 100% my responsibility. Universally personal. When we think about staying centered, one of the things I love to focus on is what's my 100% responsibility in this? And just think about what I get to control, what I get to recognize as certainty, you know, again, how safe am I? And that's the piece that will keep me centered. What's my 100% responsibility in this? Right? That'll help me come back, breathe deeply, let that let that brain chemical kind of pass through me. That takes a couple of minutes. It depends on how many times I want to rerun the thing in my head, you know? If I want to ruminate, let that brain chemical kind of pass through me. What's my 100% responsibility in this? And just think about what I get to control. So here's the thing. It's always 100% my responsibility. 100% my responsibility. And it's always 100% your responsibility, 100% your responsibility. Wherever we are, whatever we're doing, I have 100% responsibility for something. Whether that's my reaction, my words, the apology I need to make, whatever it is. And then recognizing that I have a hundred percent responsibility in that helps me to back up and recognize what is mine to do. Recognize what is mine to do. And just think about what I get to control. It's always a hundred percent my responsibility, and it's always a hundred percent your responsibility. I don't have to do my part and your part. I don't have a hundred and twenty-five percent responsibility in anything. I have a hundred percent responsibility, and it's my job to clean up the mess on my side. Am I responsible for your side? No, no. I'm not responsible for your side, nor am I responsible for you to be responsible. Some of that work is like, I get to recognize where I start and where I stop, and I have to recognize where you start and where you stop. And you're completely responsible for your growth, for where you are in the world. So I might not get what quote unquote I need from you. It's always a hundred percent my responsibility, and it's always a hundred percent your responsibility, and just think about what I get to control. It's always a hundred percent my responsibility, and it's always a hundred percent your responsibility, and just think about what I get to control. Part of this work is like radical acceptance. I gotta love you right where you're at. So I might not get what quote unquote I need from you, you know?

SPEAKER_00 5:25

I'm not responsible for your part, and I'm not responsible for you taking responsibility for your part. Wow. When you let that sink in, it's incredibly freeing. Now that we've cleared the air on who owns what, let's pivot to the root of why we get so triggered in the first place. Let's find out what we are all secretly seeking and why it leaves us feeling so frustrated when we don't get it.

SPEAKER_01 6:04

There are three things that we are always looking for, and when those things are all threatened, we have ego responses to them. Universally. And to say gently, as if you were a child, of course that's upsetting. Of course that bothers you. Of course it's scary. Of course you're frustrated, you know, and and welcoming that space, giving people permission and giving yourself permission to have that kind of response. We need to have so much self-compassion. We're looking for connection, we're looking for certainty, and we're looking for control. And when those things are all threatened, we have ego responses to all of those things, and in return, then, what we get back is suffering because things don't go the way we think they should. We're looking for connection, we're looking for certainty and we're looking for control. And if we're delusional and believe we have control, and believe there is certainty in the world, and believe I'll never gonna lose connection, we do things outside of our values. And when those things are all threatened, we have ego responses to all of those things. We do things outside of our values to maintain those things if we're not careful, rather than sitting with the uncomfortable space that says it's not mine to have on this side of heaven, anyway. It's not mine to have. And then to decide how long you want to stay there. Sitting with the uncomfortable space, right? If you want, I mean, I tell myself if I want to have a pity party, I can do that. I do like to give myself a time frame and warn everybody in my path that that's what's gonna happen, and then I will disappear and maybe I'll take a bath or I'll go to bed early, right? Because things can look really different on the other side of that, and my brain can calm down. And when those things are all threatened, we have ego responses to all of those things. So that's why when people say, Wow, it's like I'm still going through it, right? It's like, yes, that's because you are. That's because you are. Every time you tell the story, you re-traumatize yourself, you go right back there. Your brain doesn't know what's not happening. Re-traumatize yourself. Wow, it's like I'm still going through it, right? It's like, yes, that's because you are. Because when I get scared or upset or threatened, my brain releases a chemical. And that chemical gets re-released every single time I tell the story. Every single time, it's like I'm still going through it, right? It's like we're looking for connection, we're looking for certainty, and we're looking for control. And when those things are all threatened, we have ego responses to all of those things. Maybe a really different way to look at it is like just kind of pull it out of your head and hold it in your hand and get curious about it instead of judging it and kicking yourself in the butt or blaming everybody around you for just take it out. The the response, the scary response, the threat you're having, the ego response, right? That says, I gotta stay safe. Maybe you just pull it out and take a look at it and say, I wonder if I gotta believe that. You know, it's hard to do, and it takes a lot of practice. The question is not what the heck is happening. The question is, what do I want to do differently? What do I want to do differently? Yeah. Easy for me to say, it's not easy to do at all. We're looking for connection, we're looking for certainty, and we're looking for control. And when those things are all threatened, we have ego responses to all of those things. So some self-compassion around it. Like, you don't want to judge yourself for doing it. For heaven's sakes, you've done it for decades. So just go, yeah, that's what I do. It's nothing new. Just kind of pull it out of your head and hold it in your hand and get curious about it. It makes sense that I'm responding like this. The question is, what do I want to do differently?

SPEAKER_00 12:32

What am I going to do differently? That's the question I'm sitting with after today's conversation. I love that Denise's advice wasn't to fight our feelings or suppress our frustration, but rather to recognize it, relax, and make a conscious adjustment. Denise, thank you so much for joining us again. Your insight is always an absolute pleasure. And to our listeners, thank you for tuning in to Universally Personal. If there's a specific topic or challenge you want us to tackle, drop us a line through fan mail. And if Denise's words hit home for you today, let me know. Until next time, be fit, stay sharp, and listen closely.

SPEAKER_02 13:20

Universally personnel.