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Universally personal.

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How does a wife put up with a husband who does everything from touring in bands to leading churches to building furniture and fixing motorcycles? Welcome to Universally Personal. I'm Greg Allen. Today, my friend Will Barnes is here to share some highly personal stories with major universal value. I asked him that exact question about his marriage as a joke, but his answer turned out to be surprising, serious, and deeply informative. Will works in mental health, but his life experiences span a massive eclectic range. Later, Will opens up about navigating loss and handling the empty spaces left by loved ones. But first, let's kick off things with a look inside his marriage.

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Universal personal.

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Not like, you know, I talked too long with the girl at the office or those kind of things, but but what what are those topics, like what are the things that she does that you cannot bring up? What are those dynamics in the home that you feel like I wish I could speak to, I wish these things weren't a part of our life, but they are, but I can't. They're like no-go zones, you know, in in our house. Like like what are the no-go zones? And, you know, everybody had them, you know, and uh I don't feel like I have them. And I and I truly, and as strange as it sounds, I really mean that. Like I don't, I can't think of one thing that I wouldn't say to Rachel, like if I noticed something, you know, that she was doing or something that has come up with maybe, you know, maybe an insecurity that's coming out and how she's relating to the kids, or you know, um, I mean, golly, I mean, she's walked downstairs and I've been like, I don't, I don't, I I think you need to put a belt on with that. I don't think that outfit goes. Like, it's it's anything from that to I think, you know, I I I think the way you handled that conversation with our daughter was more a reflection of your insecurities than what was going on for her. And and we can have an honest conversation about it. I can't think of one thing that I wouldn't say to Rachel, like if I noticed something. I'm married up. I think anybody who knows me and then meets her is like, what in the world? Took me four years to wear her down to go on a date with me. And I think that was time well spent. That was that was an investment. Relationally, my cup is full. Relationally, my cup is full. I can't think of one thing that I wouldn't say to Rachel, like if I notice something. But I get the same thing. You know, I'll come downstairs and she's like, I think you should put a hat on if we're gonna go out, you know, that kind of thing. Or she's gonna say, I think that what you're doing is, you know, or how you're relating in this situation is maybe a byproduct of something you were raised in, or this other dynamic that that you say you you want to work on. You know, so it's and I and there's no like judgment in that. It's just honest assessment. You know, it's like, hey, I see this, don't love you any less from that. This just because I see this pattern doesn't mean like I want a divorce. It just means I see this pattern. I love you enough to to share it um and and give you an opportunity just to just to know it. Um what you do with it, you know, that's that's up to you. But I see it and I need you to know it. So it's and I and there's no like judgment in that. It's just honest assessment. She is my intellectual people. I don't think she's worried about me hearing something she says and analyzing it and then saying, well, I think that points to the deficits you have in your relationship with whatever, you know. Being willing to say that holiness is more important than happiness. Relationally, my cup is full.

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Cup is full.

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I don't think she's worried about choosing her words or watching her behaviors. And it's not even like, well, now she has to not do that thing because she's gonna notice that I notice it, or I'm gonna note it and bring it up. I don't know how to describe it, but it is just uh it's a very open and free and and um honest relationship with his vulnerability, and and that vulnerability in those conversations doesn't affect anything. It actually makes, you know, intimacy and and uh parenting together and and our partnership, I would say, uh feel feel more robust and stronger because it's not like you know being intimate or having kids or raising kids or taking our kids to piano lessons or whatever we're going is a distraction from the things we don't like about our relationship. I'm not looking for a distraction from that relationship. And even the things that aren't um, you know, that could be improved, we're not afraid to talk about. There's just no there's no anxiety in that. It's a relaxing place to be. I feel like when I'm at home with her and the kids, um, it is a it is a place of contentment. It's not a place where I have to um be on or perform. I'm not looking for a distraction from that relationship. Yeah. Well, that's that was actually one of the first things I remember talking to her about was that whenever I would bring up um a concern that I would see, or something I would see that, hey, I don't know if you've noticed this, but there's this thing that happens that, and there's this response you have, and then that affects me in this way or whatever else. Whenever I would bring those things up initially in our relationship, the very next word out of her mouth was the word you. Uh, and we and I, and then then I had to bring up that pattern. So, yeah. I I it wasn't uh peaches and cream from the first day, I would say. Um and I would also say our first year of marriage was probably one of the most difficult. For a lot of people, there's a honeymoon phase that it's just like I don't want to call out anything, everything's great, we're just gonna get through this. I love her, she loves me, we're attracted to each other. This is just all, you know, rainbows, unicorns, and it's great. Um, I don't think we ever had that season where it was like, well, I'm just I'm just love blinded by by how great we you know we we are with each other. And so it was like, no, no, we we we gotta work some of this stuff out. Like, because I I'm not I'm not gonna be able to put up with this, and she's not gonna be able to put up with it. And so let's just be honest about each with each other about what's rubbing us the wrong way. And that created, I would say initially, some difficulty. And it also put us in counseling our first year of marriage, realized, you know, we're like we we need someone to referee this this stuff. Some of that was helpful, some of it wasn't. So I think being willing to say that holiness is more important than happiness. And we need someone, a third party, to kind of referee some of these conversations. And uh, whether that's a therapist or someone who's just spiritually grounded that you trust, who will mutually love and respect and be non non-judgmental. Those were two major ingredients, just that disposition and then the you know reaching out for counseling, massive church. Being willing to say that holiness is more important than happiness. Holiness is more important than happiness. I'm married up. When I'm at home with her and the kids, um, it is a it is a place of contentment.

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Thanks so much, Will, for inviting us into your marriage today. And Will, I truly hope Rachel doesn't mind. His reminder that putting in the work is essential to relationship, is incredibly accurate, even when it's challenging. But growth doesn't just happen in our partnership, it also happens through our deepest pains. I asked Will how he was navigating the recent loss of his parents and reformulating his family dynamics. Going through a very similar season of loss myself right now, his perspective hit close to home. Whether you're walking through grief yourself or supporting someone who is, I believe his words will offer some real comfort and insight. Let's lean in.

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What gaps can I fill, and what gaps have to be just warned.

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Did you know lost my parents last year? Unrelated deaths, but very close together. You know, changes in community, changes in just how I'm spending time and who I'm spending time with. And and just kind of counting the the gaps in my life. Not you know, not just necessarily even, you know, these people I'm not as around as much, or those people are passed away, or but but also thinking about like the dynamics of those relationships. You know, what are the priorities that have been left behind? Things that were held by certain people that are now not there. And so do I hold them? Do I let them go? Do I just mourn them as gaps? Because, well, that was that was the role of that person in my life. You know, I there's so many things that just feel that we're we bring out at each other, and so what do we what do we do to facilitate space and relationships that will intentionally try to fill some gaps? There's a story C.S. Lewis tells about his two friends. He has two friends, and and one of them passes away, and and he says that the comfort he took was that well, the the only thing I can see positive in this if I'm looking for a silver lining is that maybe I'll get more time or more of uh my uh my other friend since that other friend's passed away. Now the two of us will get more of each other. And what he said was uh he found that actually he got less of the other friend. Because there was something that that friend that passed away brought out in his friend that isn't being brought out anymore. And no matter how much C.S. Lewis spent time with him, the thing that person brought out, he can't bring that out. There's so many things that just feel that we're we bring out at each other, and so what do we do to facilitate space and relationships that will intentionally try to fill some gaps? Then it's well, what gaps can I fill? And what gaps have to be just warned? And I think about that in community, I think about that in family, I think about there's people that, you know, it's not just, well, that person's gone. It's you know, that person brought out uh a sense of, you know, that that person calmed this other person's anxiety, or that person made this person laugh, or that that person reminded this person to slow down and ask questions and not not get, you know, so so ahead of themselves, just by the disposition of them. What do we what do we do to facilitate space and relationships that will intentionally try to fill some gaps? And what gaps have to be just mourned and recognizing that, yeah, that's that's a part of my heart that just doesn't get touched, you know, anymore because you know, my dad is gone. And there's not really anybody else who's going to bring out what he brought out in me. I just have to mourn that and grieve that, and not try to distract myself from it, or try to put pressure on somebody else to be that for me. The safest path or the most maybe holy path at the moment just feels like mourning and grief. What do we need to let go of and just release and grieve? Uh, and where do we need to recognize that we're trying to be distracted or putting pressure on each other or other people to fill a relational gap that just isn't going to be filled anymore? So, and that could be, you know, filling those gaps could be as simple as just making sure I'm inviting people over for dinner, you know, having meals with people that are meaningful and bring out certain things in me that I don't want to see lost or or or don't want to release them.

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We appreciate you all for opening up and sharing your stories with us. Before we close out this episode of University Personal, I'd like to share a short story with you. I was deeply moved by it, and I feel you will be touched as well. Until next week, be fit, stay sharp, and listen closely.

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Universally personal.

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Twenty people formed a solemn circle outside the mental health care facility, squinting against the harsh brilliance of a clear summer morning. It was an unusual congregation, a quiet blending of weary friends, devoted caregivers, and residents standing shoulder to shoulder. After a few soft reflections and a brief hushed prayer, the silence was broken. Dozens of bright balloons were released into the sky as the sharp rattle of noisemakers cut through the air. Envisioning their friend finally shedding the earthly shackles he had long endured, the residents began to cheer. Through a chorus of tears, their voices rose together. Run! Run, Eugene. Run. It was a moment of raw, unfiltered sincerity that felt more sacred than any formal liturgy. Days later, an inquisitive preteen sat with his father, wrestling with that age-old question: What is the meaning of life? The father's initial attempts at an answer felt hollow. The abstract philosophical concepts held no weight for a child. Realizing this, the father softened. He recounted the story of the balloon release, describing the joy and the desperate hope in the residents' voices. After a long, sacred moment of silence, the boy didn't just hear the story, he felt it. He realized that perhaps the meaning wasn't found in an explanation, but in the freedom of a soul released and shared by a band of misfit but loving friends. With tears still wet on their cheeks and wide, knowing smiles, they both whispered a refrain. Run. Run.